Friday, June 1, 2012

Friday Feature- Giving too much?

Asalamu alaikum,

I think I inherited it form my mom. We are givers. Givers of love, time, money, energy, help, anything, and everything. If we have it, somebody needs it, and it is possible to give then we do. It seems to be something I can't stop, even when I know that what I am giving/doing is actually hurtful for me(in the end).

Normally I see this as a good thing. It is good to give things, to help people. It makes you feel good.

Tariq is kind of the opposite. He gives help if necessary, but baring charity, makes no preemptive offers of help/giving. He sometimes criticizes me for being "too helpful". For giving myself away too much. He says that people don't appreciate me or the things I do.

Usually I just kind of laugh it off and tell him he is such a pessimist, seeing only negatives in people. Lately though I have been seeing that he might have a good point; he might be very, very right.

Recently someone that I thought I was close to and could trust, has turned into someone that I barely know. Their personality has gone from being basically nice and just a bit arrogant, to someone completely out of control, greedy, with no manners, no sense(common or otherwise), or respect for anyone. It has been very shocking for me.

All of the things I have helped this person with, taught them, done for them, have been thrown back in my face. I never really did anything they now claim, they have done it all by themselves. I was just in the way.

So this has taught me two valuable lessons. One- Tariq was right and I give too much of myself to the wrong people. Two- I should be more selective in who I help and how much. When Tariq suggests that a person does not appreciate me then I will believe him. This is a corollary to another very important life lesson-Listen to my mother. She is wise and almost always right in her advice.

1 comment:

Maven said...

It's taken me until I hit my 40s to realize that the "Golden Rule" (do unto others as you'd have them do unto you) is quite a defective philosophy--because it's not a universally held and universally EMPLOYED philosophy.

I, too, am a giver. I give because I like to help. I give because I like to brighten someone's day. I give because it makes me feel good. I don't give to make myself feel magnanimous or prove I'm a better person; however, I am finding what your husband thinks about giving to be RIGHT ON THE MONEY, ACCURATE.

All too often, there are folks in our lives who gravitate to us because we are givers. There they are, expecting to receive. Taking yet never replenishing, at a minimum, the good will shared.

I have friends all over the US and all over the world. I've given a great many things (not always of a great tangible, financial value, but things that are useful or needed or appreciated), and yet, as of late, in a great many instances where I've given something, I haven't received even so much as an acknowledgement that the parcels were received. Nothing ticks me off more than to hunt down individuals and ask them if the items were received (as in most cases the items were things I promised to send, I wanted to ensure they arrived, thus fulfilling my promise), and yet, no acknowledgement.

I don't know if it's their callous nature or if it's a careless or clueless oversight, or if they truly lack the good manners to acknowledge receiving essentially a RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS.

To me, if someone takes the time to even THINK OF ME enough to send me something, the gift I give in return is an acknowledgement and a thank you.

The lack of acknowledgement and thank you directly impact my JOY of sending stuff. And as such I end up going into a shut down mode of sorts, which then makes me even angrier that someone diminished my joy by their rudeness.

In time, though, I remember the many other friends, the many other blessings, and I resume doing that very thing that brings me joy, and I just keep a list of who I send to now, and those folks I do not.

I so totally understand this blog post!